Lessons Learned

Well, I don't know. I feel like I need to write about this, so I'm gonna. I guess it's just for my own good, that I try to get it out. So here it goes....My dad's an asshole. It's the truth, he just is. And I am only now at the age of 30 starting to recognize this truth, and what it means for my life. I can't even begin to explain or express, the things his said, done, and worst yet, the things he hasn't done, that have hurt me so. Just damaged me deeply. And I'm tired of it, and I can't take it anymore. My mom says I should just pray for him. That I should forgive him. But all I feel right now is anger. Intense anger. I am pissed off! I keep talking to friends about it as if I need permission to feel the way I feel. Like I want them to say that I am not crazy, and it is ok for me to be sad, mad, dispondent or whatever. But, now that they have supported me and given me permission, I have come to the conclusion that I was just waiting for them to say what I already know. To allow me to feel how I already feel anyway. Annoyed, betrayed, pissed off! Just who does this motherfucker think he is? He left me! Left me, and my brother with my mother when we were just babies. I was a few months old. My mother was just in her twenties. He was ten years older than she! And he left us. But no, that wasn't it. That wasn't enough. To make matters worse, this nigga shows up to my recollection 5 years later, to make nice. Brings me gifts, and tries to get on my brothers and my good side. It works at first. But I digress. The point is this. My father has been in and out my life, my entire life. I have very few pleasant or happy memories with him. Memories where I feel comfortable, relaxed, at ease and that I can be myself. I can't really ever remember feeling that way. Being with him has almost always instilled a great deal of anxiety and fear. Why? Because my father has been verbally abusive and manipulative towards me and my brother our entire life. I so wanted him to be a part of my life. I so wanted a daught father relationship. I tried so hard. Very, very, very hard. To forgive him. To understand him. To support him. To listen to him. To be obedient. And to bite my tounge. I can't do it any more! I am so over it! If he doesn't want to change. If he can't recognize how blessed he is, to have two children, two beautiful children, who are healthy, who are good people, and who are willing to love him if he would just stop acting like a damn fool...then oh well. Fuck it! That's where I'm at right now. That's how I feel. I don't... I am tired of making excuses for him. Of enabling his behavior. Of putting his feelings above my own. I have to take care of myself. I have to protect myself, because he won't. He never has. I tried to forgive him. But right now I can't. I know I need to for me, but right now I can't forgive him because I am so damn mad! Well, let me take that back. I actually do forgive my father for not being around when I was growing up. What I am mad about is him not being around right now, when he lives in the same damn town as I do. I'm mad that he won't take responsibility for anything, and that so much of the responsibility has been on me for so long. To be an adult, because he wouldn't be. And now I am an adult, and he is still acting like a child. A friend of mine told me tonight that it is hard to realize that I am more an adult now than my father will ever be. I could get into details about what he did exactly...but I won't. Just know that it was enough to piss me off, and enough for me to say, ENOUGH! I can't take it anymore. There is only so much a person can take. And I gave him so many chances, to change, to work it out. To start over. Ok dad, so you weren't around when I was growing up, let's have a relationship now. But he couldn't. He just couldn't even do that. He let his bitterness towards my mothers side of the family for whatever reason, get in the way of getting to know me. He let his worries about why my brother wasn't talking to him, take away any enjoyment from the fact that I was talking to him. He is controlling, manipulative and a liar. He is abusive, petty, and a coward. He hurt me on way more occassions than he helped me...and I love him. I love this bastard. This motherfucker, who doesn't deserve me. I love him. And it's not because he deserves it. I love him because I feel sorry for him. Because I think he actually does love me. But he is so hurt that things didn't work out the way he wanted, and he is so ashamed of his contribution to it, and of his failures in life, that he just pushes me away. It's like, as much as he wants me around, he does everything he can to not have me there. But even that doesn't justify the way he treats me, and it's just not ok and I can't make excuses for him anymore. My mom keeps telling me to pray for him. Now she's all on this Christian kick, after she acted a fool for years, now she wants me to be forgiving and pray. She says that I should never give up and that I should be open. But I want to give up. I don't want to persue a relationship with him anymore. Am I wrong? I'm tired. He has worn me out! It's easy for her to say don't give up, keep trying. Why? Why should I keep trying? She didn't. She divorced him and moved on. He abused her, and she divorced him and moved on. Never spoke to him again unless it had to do with us. Even when I asked her why she didn't pursue child support from him, she said "I just wanted him to leave us alone." So, if that's what she wanted, how come she can't understand that I feel the same way. I just want him to leave me alone. If he can't change, and he can't, than just leave me alone. Shit, even if he can change, just leave me a lone. At this point, I'm over it....I don't know. Maybe in the future, after intense psycho therapy and an abduction from aliens that show him the light...maybe after that, we can talk. But I am not subjecting myself to this abuse anymore. And for my mom to suggest otherwise, I think is wrong. My mom and I watched this movie together on lifetime about these Amish people who's children were murdered by a milkman. It's a true story, I remember when it happened in PA a few years ago. Anyways, this dude murders a bunch of little girls while they were in school, and then kills himself, and within hours of this event, a bunch of Amish guys are over the house of the murderers wife to tell her that they forgive the murderer, and that if she or any of her kids need anything, that they will be there to help them. And I'm like, what? I mean the movie was deep and really touching. But one of the Amish mothers who lost her daughter really struggled to forgive and was basically like fuck that at first. But, eventually she forgives to. I say all that to say, you know...I feel bad for being angry at my dad. For being unforgiving. I don't know if I am completely unforfgiving. Like, I don't wish him ill will or anything. I hope that he is happy and healthy. I even still love him very much. I just can't keep subjecting myself to his abuse, that's all. Maybe that is my problem. I interpret forgiveness as, doing what they person who hurt me would like for me to do. I interpret it as moving on like nothing ever happened. And maybe I am wrong, maybe that is not what forgiveness is. I don't think forgiveness involves anger, and I am still very, very anger at my dad. But, this happened yesterday. I know I won't stay angry. I will be better in a week even. So, it's not that. It's just that, all I asked for my dad to do is to empathize with me. To imagine my hurt and how I feel and to think about that and act accordingly before he opens his mouth or behaves in a bad way. And he doesn't do that. And I don't understand because I do that for him all the time! All the time! In fact, most of my life I have. And now I am starting to get older and recent it. And I all I asked was that he start treating me a little better. Start treating me as well as I treat him. I asked him to listen to me. I asked him to put my feelings about is own for a moment. I asked him to protect me. And he couldn't do it. And so now, I have to let it go. My mom wants me to have hope. It hurts to have hope. I have been holding on to hope my whole life. I just want to accept how he is, and who he is, and let it go now. I just want peace. I can't get peace from him the way he is. It is hard to accept, but I can't. It's not healthy for me to keep trying to pursue a relationship. And I feel really bad and guilty about that. I mean, I just feel awful. I can't even tell you. I feel terrible, that I have a father out there, who loves me, and who I love, but who it is not healthy for me to be around because he is verbally and psychologically abusive. He called me a black bitch. Me, a black bitch? How could you even put your lips together to say something like that to your daughter? He has said more volitatile things to me that he has expressed words of love or adoration, and I have spent very little time with him in my life. But I tolerated it, and forgave him over, and over, and over again. I just can't anymore. And I do have faith in God and I do believe in forgiveness. But, I think I will demonstrate more faith in God by letting him go. By walking away from this situation and actually leaving it to God to fix it, because I can't. I keep thinking I can. That if I just behave better, or say the right thing, he will change. Maybe if I explain more, if I just reason with him. Because, he loves me...right? And love concours all, right? So, if I just explain to him, that he hurt me, he won't want to hurt me anymore. I mean, that's my rationale. And now I realize that I have been simplifying a really more complicated situation and using a childlike rationale to deal with a very sick man. I guess I wish I could just hear God say, it's alright. Go ahead, walk away from this. I got it. I got it all under control. I think I will be showing a lot more faith in God if I trust him to take care of my father, than for me to keep trying to fix him and this situation. I can't fix him. I am a forgive and loving person, so I know that I can be accepting and I can be open to my dad in the future and I would be willing to regain trust overtime. But, I can't make that happen, only God can. And I am not a bad person, or a bad Christian for recognizing that. I believe that God will make it clear when my father is ready to be better and to do better by me. But now ain't it. I believe that by that time, he will take away all of my feelings of bitterness and anger towards him, some of which I feel now, although justifiably. But my desire to stay away from him and not talk to him is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation and I must stop telling myself that I am a bad person, daughter, christian etc. for not doing otherwise. For not returning my father's call today when he said that he was sorry for all the terrible things he said yesterday and for all of the pain that he caused me, because that is not enough. He has appologized many, many times. What hasn't changed is his behavior. He knows how to say the right things to get me to do what he wants. But he will just turn right around and do the same thing once he has his way. No, an apology in a cell phone message is not enough. And even that apology was half hearted because he did not take full responsibility for what he has done. There is always a "I'm sorry, but...." I'm sorry, but I have a good reason for what I did. No, I did this and that wrong, and I need to change. I am going to work on myself more and I will do what I can to earn your trust again. That's not hard to say and follow through on. And he doesn't know how forgiving and open and willing to move on I would be if he could just do that. But, he won't. At least not now. Maybe one day, but not today. So, I need to stop feeling guilty, and stop listening to my mom or feeling bad cause I am not an Amish saint. The truth is that I am human. I am only human and I have to be true to myself and to my feelings and this is the way I feel. I am not a bad person for not wanting to speak to my dad really ever again for all of this. This is a reasonable and sane reaction to being treated badly. If you get burnt, you don't say, ooh, let me go get burnt again. You say, he let me stay away from that so that I don't experience it anymore because it was so painful. That's where I am at with this. I would be crazy if I continue to try and communicate with someone who is only going to keep burning me. Of course I am always open to the possibility of things changing, just like I was with my mother. But, he has to earn my trust again. It will not be just given because he is my dad. Part of me feels like I don't give a shit if he does change. He has done a lot of damage towards me, and I can forgive him and never interact with him again. That may just have to be the consequence of his behavior. Hopefully he will be a better person from it. Who knows, maybe me enabling his behavior is blocking his blessing. I don't know. What I do know is that I love and trust God, and that I know that God is in control, not me. I can't make my father happy, I can't make him recognize his errors, and I can't make him be the father that I need him to be. Only God can do that. So there really is no sense in me interacting with him. I know that if my father changes and becomes obedient to God, God will make it apparent to me. Like, I won't need to ask my dad or have to initiate a conversation because I will just know by the way we are interacting that there has been a serious change in him. And I didn't sense that this time at all. I wanted to so badly, which is why I put up with a lot. But, mostly the good things he did say just seemed to be him trying to pacify me so that he could be in my good graces again. I am a valuable person because I am a child of God, and he needs to treat me as such. I treat him that way. I felt tense the entire time he was talking to me because he doesn't engage me very much to the point where I am afraid to talk. It seems easier not to say anything. But, yesterday I spoke and I said what was on my mind and it didn't go well. So, I am letting go and letting God. God, I leave it to you. Please continue to bless me and my family. I am so grateful for what you have already done and the miracles that you have already accomplished within my family life. I know that all things are possible through Christ and I claim in the name of Jesus that every stronghold and ever sinful thing within my father and his relationship with me, my brother and the rest of our family is let go and overcome by the blood of the lamb. Please forgive me for my anger, excuses, and just anything that seperates me from the knowledge of you. You are my father, and I love you deaply. Please take away this burden of anger, depression, recentment and bitterness. Help me to know that I don't need to be angry at him to feel good about myself or situation, and that I can peacefully and prayerfully let go and let God. Lord, I don't trust my father, but I do trust you! I am grateful for our relationship, and I love you very deeply. Thank you for everything. Amen.