Raising My Parents

I went to therapy for the first time in several months today. I told my therapist that I was so happy. Life isn't perfect, and there are major challenges that still exist in my life. But in spite of all of that, I still felt happy generally. A major source of my happiness was my mother's sobriety. She has been sober for almost 2 years now. I told my therapist that I was just beginning to trust her sobriety. That I was really proud of my mom and that she has changed so much, that her change has inspired me to change and lead a better life. I said that although I don't know how long the sobriety would last, and that I did initially feel some anger towards her after she got clean, mostly I was just grateful. Grateful that she was happier than I had ever seen her, and that she had survived her addiction. I was just so grateful that her addiction did not kill her. I was just grateful that her addiction did not kill our family, that we survived it. I said that I knew that my family wasn't perfect, because I am not, and that there will always be problems, but I felt more confident about my ability to accept our limitations, live with them, and love each other regardless. But mostly I was just so happy about this new found relationship I felt was growing between me and my mom. I was happy that her addiction and dysfunction was no longer a stresser in my life. I felt so happy to be free of it, the stress and the worry. So happy to be free of the worry of whether she was going to call me drunk and high today, or remember our conversation yesterday or whatever.

And I have told her consistently since she got clean, what her sobriety has meant to me, and how proud I am of her etc. I told her how stressful and difficult her addiction has been for me, and how it has impacted my life. At first she was very defensive during these conversations, but eventually she was able to listen and she has said more than once that she is sorry for hurting me, and that she felt really bad about it, and really guilty. I told her that I forgave her and that I didn't want her to feel guilty. I told her that I just wanted her to be healthy and ok. I said that we have to accept our past and look forward to our future so that we can move on and build something better together.

So, for the last almost two years, I was beginning to be happy about my mom's sobriety, but I tried not to enjoy it too much. Tried not to trust it or like it, because I didn't know how long that it was going to stick around, and I wasn't used to what it was like. You know how you almost prefer experiencing the crap that you are used to, then to embrace the happiness that you don't know, for fear that you might loose it? I found myself wishing she would just hurry up and drink already, so that my anxiety about her relapsing would disappear. That was me for a long time. I was just like, "Nope, don't trust it. Not yet."

I spent a weekend and 1/2 at home in Philly for Thanksgiving with little drama. I had fun! I didn't want to come back to school. This was my second "good" visit like that at home, as my summer visit for a week was positive too. So, I had two consecutive visits at home with less stress and more fun then I had had with my family in years! And with a sober mom for the first time sense I can remember. My Thanksgiving visit made me really excited about Christmas. After almost two years I thought, finally I could exhale...

Then tonight happened. I called my mom to tell her something funny before I went to bed. I had just spoke to her about two hours earlier. But, this conversation was different. She sounded "funny". She didn't even remember that we had spoken two hours earlier, and kept repeating herself, in a conversation full of "Umms, and ahhs" that was all too familiar to a previous time in our lives. I didn't want to believe it at first. I kept saying to myself, maybe she's tired, maybe she took some aspirin, or something. Finally, I said "Mom, what's wrong?, What's up? You sound funny. You sound strange." I didn't want to accuse her outright. Maybe I was wrong. But, I guess the good news is that she admitted it. "Yea, I've been drinking. But not much. Just a little. You know, drinking was not my issue, that wasn't my problem. Cocaine was." She just kept saying how happy she was and how good she felt. I said I had to go. That I was not happy. That I thought she was drinking, and that I needed to go. And I just hung up...

So, now what? It's late. I called some friends to vent...maybe cry... but everyone in there right mind is asleep now. This happened at around 11:30pm. So, I came up with the great idea to blog. At least I'll get this stuff out, and maybe someone will have some encouraging words or advise. I don't know. All I kept thinking was, why now? Not that there would ever be a good time, but now? I just don't know what to do, or how to feel. I mean, what is the appropriate response to this type of thing? She is an addict. Maybe I should just be grateful she lasted this long. I don't know.

I am so hurt. Really, my heart is broken. I struggle so hard to take care of my own feelings, because I also want to be respectful of hers. I guess I got to have more respect for this disease. It is serious. It's some bullshit is what it is. You know what my first response was after I hung up? Anger! Sadness. Despair. Like this is never going to end. And I just don't know if I can do it folks. I don't know if I have it in me. To go through years of back and forth with this disease with her. Years of a tug of war. I've seen it with my aunt who is an even more serious addict. I mean my aunt will go missing for months, been to jail, lived in crack houses, the works, since she was a teenager. My aunt is now in her 60s! My mom is 52. My mom is more of an in house drunk and addict. Many people never knew she had this problem for years accept close family. She hid it so well. She was a functioning addict for years until she lost her job and it became difficult for her to maintain her addiction and employment about 10 years ago. That's when things got really bad. But we knew, us kids always knew something was up, even when we couldn't name it drugs and alcohol. I hoped that we had overcome all that...but I guess it's gonna take more. I don't know.

I was supposed to go home today. I have a train scheduled to take me to Philadelphia. Guess I got to make a decision. My first reaction was to stay here. Don't go home. Not just because I wasn't sure what situation I was going home to, but because I wanted to punish her. I just felt like I wanted to hurt her, the way she just hurt me, and me not coming home, that would do it. She always looks forward to me coming home, especially for Christmas. I was just about to start packing. I was just calling to say goodnight, see you tomorrow, and she pulls this now? NOW! This is some serious bullshit! I just feel like, God, are you kidding me? Like, why? Why would you give me these parents? You know how people talk about heaven, and they will say God decides like, "Now this baby, I will give to so and so?" Well, I don't think that's what happened to me. I feel like, God said "Now these two parents, I will give these two to Angel". But why? Why would he give me the type of parents that I have felt emotionally and socially more mature than since I was at least 13 years old? Why do I feel like I am raising them? I'm tired of it. I don't want to raise anybody but my kids if I have them. They want to act a fool, act like they got all this time in the world, so be it. What can I do? Nothin.

So I have to decide whether I am going to go home or not. I just don't know. Will not going home punish me more than my mother? And what will any of it accomplish? I was so looking forward to it. Now I am just so very disappointed, again. And hurt. Just heart broken. I can't cry any more. I don't have any tears left. It is what it is. Life isn't fair is the biggest understatement I know. And I know I am really blessed and all that and blah, blah, blah. I know that it is possible that she will overcome this and everything will eventually be ok. But right now I just feel really shitty. Like all my dreams had come true at once, and then it was stolen from me before I got a chance to really enjoy it. Because the truth is, everything could not be ok too. She may never be sober again, or she may go in and out of sobriety for the rest of my life. And I just have to be ok with either of those possibilities. And right now, I'm just not man. I'm not ok with it. It's not cool. It's not ok. I don't deserve this. I deserve a sober mom...crap, tears...there they are...where was I?

Yes, I was saying that I think I deserve a sober mom, as everyone does. I didn't ask to be here, and yet I am. I deserve a healthy mom. Not a perfect mom. I just feel like I ask for so little. I don't want money or nothing. I just want a sober mom for Christmas. I just want a happy family. I thought I was going to have it. That's all I was looking forward to this Christmas. And I just lost that possibility. I am just morning that possibility right now. That's all. Because this means that I have to go home and put on this shell to protect myself. It means I have to keep my guard up to be prepared for anything. I was going to have one on anyway, but my shell had softened considerably. But, now that's over. I still don't know whether I will go home or not. But one thing is for sure. If I stay, it won't be to punish my mom. She is doing that well all by herself. If I stay, it has to be for me. To take care of myself, and because I think I will be safer and happier here, alone, even if that is not what I want.

Man, talk about bad timing. I need a break from school and the stress of writing a dissertation. Doesn't look like that's going to happen. I really looked forward to writing this dissertation with the conscience that my mom was sober and that was one less thing to worry about. It really felt good and made me so, so happy. I just can't tell you. It made all the difference in the world, even just for a time. Maybe I should just be grateful for that time.

I just struggle with my feelings because... I am angry and hurt at my mom, but I also love her so much, and I am full of concern and... I understand. I understand how she could relapse. I sensed that this was a possibility for a few weeks now, because she had not been going to church, had expressed feelings of anxiety to me, and had not seen her doctors about it for quite some time. She had been without her meds. So, I understand. It's just hard to juggle empathizing with her illness, taking care of myself, and holding her responsible for what she can control...and myself for that matter. I don't know man. This is really messed me up.

It's 1:00am and I am not packed. Should I stay or should I go? If I stay home, I will be alone for Christmas. How sad is that? I have a father that lives in this area, but he is a COMPLETE ASSHOLE. Really, so much worse than my mother. My mom is a good person and she loves me, she just has this awful addiction that ruins everything. But my father is a poor excuse for a man that I don't even have the strength to get into right now. The latest thing he pulled was the last straw for me. He told me he was sorry for the way I was born, but he was even more sorry that I have a cripple heart. He said it's bad enough that I'm cripple, but that my heart is cripple too. He thinks all this because I don't call him. Anyway, I don't have the strength to get into all that right now. I found what he said quite laughable really. But, it also hurts. So, for my mom to do this during the same week that my father called me randomly and said this...it's just too much. I need a break. Why, so much abuse and dysfunction is dumped on me, I will never know. I just don't know how much longer I can manage it, and still be healthy and reach my goals. I already cut off my father, but will I have to cut off my mom too? I really might, and that will really hurt me something awful. I just don't know if I will trust people or be able to feel close to anyone. I just think that will kill apart of me inside, because i just love her so, so much. I love her unconditionally. It just hurts, because it doesn't feel reciprocated. I know intellectually that this addiction isn't about me or her love for me, but personally I feel like, if that's true than why does it affect me so much? If it's not about me, why does it hurt me so bad? And what am I supposed to do to manage that? What the fuck! I just feel like, God are you kidding me? A disability, and crazy ass parents with addictions and mental illness? Like, who's grand idea was that? Oh, and I'm supposed to write a dissertation? Oh yea, that's totally doable. Piece of cake. Grad school professors have the nerve to want to haze me. Haze me? Haze me for what? Hazing is some fucked up process made up by privileged people to help make them strong because they ain't never been through nothin! I don't need to be hazed! I don't need any more extra shit on me right now. My life is hazing all in itself. Got the nerve to want to make it harder. These professors couldn't last a day. Do you hear me? Not a day in my shoes. How many other black women with Physical disabilities do you know pursuing their Phds? I used to know one, and she's dead. Died less than a month ago. Yea, that was real encouraging news. My other black disabled ally pursuing his PhD was a male, and he died two year ago this month. I don't know anyone else. Not to say that there isn't, because of course there is. But it sucks that there are so few, and that the only two I know, are dead. That can't be a good sign, and I am not willing to let the intersections of the oppressions in my life, fucking kill me. It's not worth it. My grandma taught me when I was a teenager that I was the number one thing in my life. So I have to prioritize myself. My health, my life, my happiness, over family, even over school. I want to succeed, but not at the expense of my health. I want my family in my life, but not at the expense of my happiness. I pray that God will help me find a way to manage all of these things, and still come out on top! I know that he has a purpose for my life. A good friend told me, that he gave me these challenges, because he knew I could handle it. Maybe that is why he gave me these parents, this disability, and this desire and opportunity to pursue my higher education.

Please excuse this pity party, cause I hate that. And don't feel sorry for me please. The good news is that these are problems that I have had my whole life, so nothing has changed really. It's not like it's a new problem that my father is an ass and my mother is an addict. My mother was an addict when she was sober. She is an addict now that she is not. I will be ok, and I will push through this. I will push through this because I know that I can, and because I know that there are so many other people that I can help, who have been through similar challenges and need support and encouragement. There are so many people that have been through far worse, and have accomplished more. As long as that is the case, I have nothing to feel sad and sorry about. Just got to do the best with the life God gave me. No sense in shaking my fist at God, cause I don't get to pick another life, or get to choose the exact circumstances he gives me in this one. I know these things intellectually, and feel them in my heart. But right now, I simultaneously feel genuinely sad for myself at the same time. Only because, this is the only life that I got and that I know. And while it could be worse, it could be better too. And I so wish that circumstances were better. I guess I have conflicting feelings inside, as humans often do. So, I am going to try to sleep on it. Give myself some time to boohoo, life isn't fair stuff, and then move on. Because life isn't fair, but God is faithful, and he has a plan. I'm a little mad at him right now, because this plan seriously looks like it sucks at the moment, but I have faith that it will change. I know that God loves me. Why else would I still be here? I am extremely privileged, blessed and loved. I will try to focus on that, and pray that God will help me figure out how to manage the rest, as he always has. Please excuse my typos and misspellings, but it's been an emotional night. Words of support and advise are welcome, and lots of prayers are especially needed. Thanks.

Lessons Learned

Well, I don't know. I feel like I need to write about this, so I'm gonna. I guess it's just for my own good, that I try to get it out. So here it goes....My dad's an asshole. It's the truth, he just is. And I am only now at the age of 30 starting to recognize this truth, and what it means for my life. I can't even begin to explain or express, the things his said, done, and worst yet, the things he hasn't done, that have hurt me so. Just damaged me deeply. And I'm tired of it, and I can't take it anymore. My mom says I should just pray for him. That I should forgive him. But all I feel right now is anger. Intense anger. I am pissed off! I keep talking to friends about it as if I need permission to feel the way I feel. Like I want them to say that I am not crazy, and it is ok for me to be sad, mad, dispondent or whatever. But, now that they have supported me and given me permission, I have come to the conclusion that I was just waiting for them to say what I already know. To allow me to feel how I already feel anyway. Annoyed, betrayed, pissed off! Just who does this motherfucker think he is? He left me! Left me, and my brother with my mother when we were just babies. I was a few months old. My mother was just in her twenties. He was ten years older than she! And he left us. But no, that wasn't it. That wasn't enough. To make matters worse, this nigga shows up to my recollection 5 years later, to make nice. Brings me gifts, and tries to get on my brothers and my good side. It works at first. But I digress. The point is this. My father has been in and out my life, my entire life. I have very few pleasant or happy memories with him. Memories where I feel comfortable, relaxed, at ease and that I can be myself. I can't really ever remember feeling that way. Being with him has almost always instilled a great deal of anxiety and fear. Why? Because my father has been verbally abusive and manipulative towards me and my brother our entire life. I so wanted him to be a part of my life. I so wanted a daught father relationship. I tried so hard. Very, very, very hard. To forgive him. To understand him. To support him. To listen to him. To be obedient. And to bite my tounge. I can't do it any more! I am so over it! If he doesn't want to change. If he can't recognize how blessed he is, to have two children, two beautiful children, who are healthy, who are good people, and who are willing to love him if he would just stop acting like a damn fool...then oh well. Fuck it! That's where I'm at right now. That's how I feel. I don't... I am tired of making excuses for him. Of enabling his behavior. Of putting his feelings above my own. I have to take care of myself. I have to protect myself, because he won't. He never has. I tried to forgive him. But right now I can't. I know I need to for me, but right now I can't forgive him because I am so damn mad! Well, let me take that back. I actually do forgive my father for not being around when I was growing up. What I am mad about is him not being around right now, when he lives in the same damn town as I do. I'm mad that he won't take responsibility for anything, and that so much of the responsibility has been on me for so long. To be an adult, because he wouldn't be. And now I am an adult, and he is still acting like a child. A friend of mine told me tonight that it is hard to realize that I am more an adult now than my father will ever be. I could get into details about what he did exactly...but I won't. Just know that it was enough to piss me off, and enough for me to say, ENOUGH! I can't take it anymore. There is only so much a person can take. And I gave him so many chances, to change, to work it out. To start over. Ok dad, so you weren't around when I was growing up, let's have a relationship now. But he couldn't. He just couldn't even do that. He let his bitterness towards my mothers side of the family for whatever reason, get in the way of getting to know me. He let his worries about why my brother wasn't talking to him, take away any enjoyment from the fact that I was talking to him. He is controlling, manipulative and a liar. He is abusive, petty, and a coward. He hurt me on way more occassions than he helped me...and I love him. I love this bastard. This motherfucker, who doesn't deserve me. I love him. And it's not because he deserves it. I love him because I feel sorry for him. Because I think he actually does love me. But he is so hurt that things didn't work out the way he wanted, and he is so ashamed of his contribution to it, and of his failures in life, that he just pushes me away. It's like, as much as he wants me around, he does everything he can to not have me there. But even that doesn't justify the way he treats me, and it's just not ok and I can't make excuses for him anymore. My mom keeps telling me to pray for him. Now she's all on this Christian kick, after she acted a fool for years, now she wants me to be forgiving and pray. She says that I should never give up and that I should be open. But I want to give up. I don't want to persue a relationship with him anymore. Am I wrong? I'm tired. He has worn me out! It's easy for her to say don't give up, keep trying. Why? Why should I keep trying? She didn't. She divorced him and moved on. He abused her, and she divorced him and moved on. Never spoke to him again unless it had to do with us. Even when I asked her why she didn't pursue child support from him, she said "I just wanted him to leave us alone." So, if that's what she wanted, how come she can't understand that I feel the same way. I just want him to leave me alone. If he can't change, and he can't, than just leave me alone. Shit, even if he can change, just leave me a lone. At this point, I'm over it....I don't know. Maybe in the future, after intense psycho therapy and an abduction from aliens that show him the light...maybe after that, we can talk. But I am not subjecting myself to this abuse anymore. And for my mom to suggest otherwise, I think is wrong. My mom and I watched this movie together on lifetime about these Amish people who's children were murdered by a milkman. It's a true story, I remember when it happened in PA a few years ago. Anyways, this dude murders a bunch of little girls while they were in school, and then kills himself, and within hours of this event, a bunch of Amish guys are over the house of the murderers wife to tell her that they forgive the murderer, and that if she or any of her kids need anything, that they will be there to help them. And I'm like, what? I mean the movie was deep and really touching. But one of the Amish mothers who lost her daughter really struggled to forgive and was basically like fuck that at first. But, eventually she forgives to. I say all that to say, you know...I feel bad for being angry at my dad. For being unforgiving. I don't know if I am completely unforfgiving. Like, I don't wish him ill will or anything. I hope that he is happy and healthy. I even still love him very much. I just can't keep subjecting myself to his abuse, that's all. Maybe that is my problem. I interpret forgiveness as, doing what they person who hurt me would like for me to do. I interpret it as moving on like nothing ever happened. And maybe I am wrong, maybe that is not what forgiveness is. I don't think forgiveness involves anger, and I am still very, very anger at my dad. But, this happened yesterday. I know I won't stay angry. I will be better in a week even. So, it's not that. It's just that, all I asked for my dad to do is to empathize with me. To imagine my hurt and how I feel and to think about that and act accordingly before he opens his mouth or behaves in a bad way. And he doesn't do that. And I don't understand because I do that for him all the time! All the time! In fact, most of my life I have. And now I am starting to get older and recent it. And I all I asked was that he start treating me a little better. Start treating me as well as I treat him. I asked him to listen to me. I asked him to put my feelings about is own for a moment. I asked him to protect me. And he couldn't do it. And so now, I have to let it go. My mom wants me to have hope. It hurts to have hope. I have been holding on to hope my whole life. I just want to accept how he is, and who he is, and let it go now. I just want peace. I can't get peace from him the way he is. It is hard to accept, but I can't. It's not healthy for me to keep trying to pursue a relationship. And I feel really bad and guilty about that. I mean, I just feel awful. I can't even tell you. I feel terrible, that I have a father out there, who loves me, and who I love, but who it is not healthy for me to be around because he is verbally and psychologically abusive. He called me a black bitch. Me, a black bitch? How could you even put your lips together to say something like that to your daughter? He has said more volitatile things to me that he has expressed words of love or adoration, and I have spent very little time with him in my life. But I tolerated it, and forgave him over, and over, and over again. I just can't anymore. And I do have faith in God and I do believe in forgiveness. But, I think I will demonstrate more faith in God by letting him go. By walking away from this situation and actually leaving it to God to fix it, because I can't. I keep thinking I can. That if I just behave better, or say the right thing, he will change. Maybe if I explain more, if I just reason with him. Because, he loves me...right? And love concours all, right? So, if I just explain to him, that he hurt me, he won't want to hurt me anymore. I mean, that's my rationale. And now I realize that I have been simplifying a really more complicated situation and using a childlike rationale to deal with a very sick man. I guess I wish I could just hear God say, it's alright. Go ahead, walk away from this. I got it. I got it all under control. I think I will be showing a lot more faith in God if I trust him to take care of my father, than for me to keep trying to fix him and this situation. I can't fix him. I am a forgive and loving person, so I know that I can be accepting and I can be open to my dad in the future and I would be willing to regain trust overtime. But, I can't make that happen, only God can. And I am not a bad person, or a bad Christian for recognizing that. I believe that God will make it clear when my father is ready to be better and to do better by me. But now ain't it. I believe that by that time, he will take away all of my feelings of bitterness and anger towards him, some of which I feel now, although justifiably. But my desire to stay away from him and not talk to him is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation and I must stop telling myself that I am a bad person, daughter, christian etc. for not doing otherwise. For not returning my father's call today when he said that he was sorry for all the terrible things he said yesterday and for all of the pain that he caused me, because that is not enough. He has appologized many, many times. What hasn't changed is his behavior. He knows how to say the right things to get me to do what he wants. But he will just turn right around and do the same thing once he has his way. No, an apology in a cell phone message is not enough. And even that apology was half hearted because he did not take full responsibility for what he has done. There is always a "I'm sorry, but...." I'm sorry, but I have a good reason for what I did. No, I did this and that wrong, and I need to change. I am going to work on myself more and I will do what I can to earn your trust again. That's not hard to say and follow through on. And he doesn't know how forgiving and open and willing to move on I would be if he could just do that. But, he won't. At least not now. Maybe one day, but not today. So, I need to stop feeling guilty, and stop listening to my mom or feeling bad cause I am not an Amish saint. The truth is that I am human. I am only human and I have to be true to myself and to my feelings and this is the way I feel. I am not a bad person for not wanting to speak to my dad really ever again for all of this. This is a reasonable and sane reaction to being treated badly. If you get burnt, you don't say, ooh, let me go get burnt again. You say, he let me stay away from that so that I don't experience it anymore because it was so painful. That's where I am at with this. I would be crazy if I continue to try and communicate with someone who is only going to keep burning me. Of course I am always open to the possibility of things changing, just like I was with my mother. But, he has to earn my trust again. It will not be just given because he is my dad. Part of me feels like I don't give a shit if he does change. He has done a lot of damage towards me, and I can forgive him and never interact with him again. That may just have to be the consequence of his behavior. Hopefully he will be a better person from it. Who knows, maybe me enabling his behavior is blocking his blessing. I don't know. What I do know is that I love and trust God, and that I know that God is in control, not me. I can't make my father happy, I can't make him recognize his errors, and I can't make him be the father that I need him to be. Only God can do that. So there really is no sense in me interacting with him. I know that if my father changes and becomes obedient to God, God will make it apparent to me. Like, I won't need to ask my dad or have to initiate a conversation because I will just know by the way we are interacting that there has been a serious change in him. And I didn't sense that this time at all. I wanted to so badly, which is why I put up with a lot. But, mostly the good things he did say just seemed to be him trying to pacify me so that he could be in my good graces again. I am a valuable person because I am a child of God, and he needs to treat me as such. I treat him that way. I felt tense the entire time he was talking to me because he doesn't engage me very much to the point where I am afraid to talk. It seems easier not to say anything. But, yesterday I spoke and I said what was on my mind and it didn't go well. So, I am letting go and letting God. God, I leave it to you. Please continue to bless me and my family. I am so grateful for what you have already done and the miracles that you have already accomplished within my family life. I know that all things are possible through Christ and I claim in the name of Jesus that every stronghold and ever sinful thing within my father and his relationship with me, my brother and the rest of our family is let go and overcome by the blood of the lamb. Please forgive me for my anger, excuses, and just anything that seperates me from the knowledge of you. You are my father, and I love you deaply. Please take away this burden of anger, depression, recentment and bitterness. Help me to know that I don't need to be angry at him to feel good about myself or situation, and that I can peacefully and prayerfully let go and let God. Lord, I don't trust my father, but I do trust you! I am grateful for our relationship, and I love you very deeply. Thank you for everything. Amen.